Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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