my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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