Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
this boner is exhausting
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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