it was like his penis was on wheels.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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