At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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