I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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