I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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