If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
