pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
