I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize