Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
