community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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