i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
