which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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