I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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