I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
