Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
