no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I love having hate sex.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
