Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
