I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Michael Bay diarrhea
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
