So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize