You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
