If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
