I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
