just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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