Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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