First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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