My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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