She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
