Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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