I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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