Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
