My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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