please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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