I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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