im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
