we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
