I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
