Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
