3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
