shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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