Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
