We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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