if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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