Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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