it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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