Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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