mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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