Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
