For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
