Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize