I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
