This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
