they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
