Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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