It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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