it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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