He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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