I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
