Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
