I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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