well I can't set my house on fire every night
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
