well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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