Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish I only lived at night.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
