i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize