when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I currently don't understand fingers.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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