I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
