you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize