I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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