Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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