If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
