He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
