I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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