I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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