My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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