the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
