It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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