if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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